Ride Share

“You can do anything but not everything.” David Allen

Each of us, at one time or another, has been in what I call “passenger mode.” Passenger mode occurs whenever we allow someone else to do something for us that we pay silent witness to. This means we are aware of something that someone else is doing but that’s about it. It can be anything, from unclogging a toilet, changing a tire, doing minor repairs around the house, driving the kids to school or the dogs to doggy daycare.

I compare being in passenger mode in our daily lives to being in the car on a roadtrip. If you’re the driver, you’re paying attention to everything – the road conditions, the traffic, the landscape you’re passing through, the signposts that let you know you’re going in the right direction. (You are, of course, NOT looking at your phone – correct? Because you are far too smart to do anything so stupid!)

Now, picture yourself in the passenger seat. How much attention are you paying to everything around you, where you’re going, and whether you’re on the right road? (As the passenger, you may even be paying attention to your phone and NOT much else.)

When I was married, my husband and I made the 90-minute drive to visit my in-laws about every three or four months. He always did the driving; I never drove. Then one day I had to drive to my in-laws by myself – and I realized I wasn’t 100 percent sure how to get there. So I asked my hubby, who incredulously replied, “You’ve been there dozens of times – what do you mean you don’t remember how to get there?”

I said (this is true, I swear it), “Because I’ve been in passenger mode.”

“I don’t know how everything I use works—so it’s lucky that I don’t need to.” Ashleigh Brilliant

There is nothing inherently good or bad about being in passenger mode. We do not need nor must we want to know how to do everything that comprises our daily lives.

But then, one day, that one thing that we haven’t had to do and never thought we’d ever need or want to know how to do, suddenly appears, and now we find ourselves having to do it or we need to find someone who can do it for us, often in a hurry.

But you can’t know what those things are until you take inventory of everything in your life that someone else does for you, but that someday you might need or want to know how to do yourself.

Discipline yourself to do the things you need to do when you need to do them, and the day will come when you will be able to do the things you want to do when you want to do them! Zig Ziglar

The key to getting back in the driver’s seat of your own life is to identify what you do know, what you don’t know and what you’re going to do about it BEFORE YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT AND DO IT! Identifying who will take care of the activities you’ll never do, or who will teach you how to do something before the thing needs to be done is very important and very liberating!

In the best of times, it can be hard to learn a new skill. But try to learn something new when you’re in the middle of an emotional upheaval, like a divorce, or following the loss of a job or the death of a loved one, or a major change, like a pandemic or just moving to a new town. Even something seemingly “minor,” like having to dig your driveway out after an unexpected snowstorm but your snow-thrower has a flat tire and you have no idea who can come out and dig you out (yes, this is a true story from my own life) can seem overwhelming.

So, the very best time to work on overcoming passenger mode is while your life is good and you’re in a frame of mind that allows you to figure out what you going to need or want to do.

Overcoming passenger mode is very simple – and incredibly empowering!

1. You identify everything that someone else does for you.
2. You decide which of those things you need to learn, want to learn, or never need or want to learn.
3. You develop an action plan for everything on your list.

The key is remembering that you don’t need to know how to do everything. In fact, some things are better left to professionals. For example, I know I can’t do anything that involves electricity around the house. If I do, I’ll either blow myself up or set the house on fire.

“Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.” Anne Wilson Schaef