McDowell

Fear Not

“Fear, above all else, prevents most of us from living our dreams.” Ernie Zelinksi

“Feel the fear and do it anyway” is a popular phrase often used in self-help and motivational contexts. It means that instead of letting fear paralyze you or stop you from taking action, you simply feel that fear, accept it, and move forward despite it. Fear doesn’t have to be an obstacle, but rather a part of the process toward achieving goals. Growth, success, and personal development often come from pushing through fear and facing challenges head-on, rather than avoiding them.

Let’s start by diving deeply into what fear is.

“My fears are real – even if what I’m afraid of isn’t.” Ashleigh Brilliant

Whether real or imagined, fear is a powerful force in our lives. It affects the decisions we make, the actions we take, and the outcomes we achieve. Who we are and what we do has, at one point or another, been influenced by what we fear.

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat or danger, and, as such, is an essential survival mechanism. If we didn’t feel it, we couldn’t protect ourselves from legitimate threats.

Fear is also a natural and common emotion when facing challenges, new experiences, or stepping outside our comfort zone.

Fear is in equal parts instinct, learned, and taught. Pain, for example, causes an instinctual fear because of its implications for survival. We learn to be afraid of certain people, places, or situations because of negative associations and past experiences. Cultural norms often teach us whether something should be feared or not.

But fear can also be partly imagined. We get scared because of what we imagine could happen. We fear situations that are far from life-or-death and thus take no action for no (seemingly) good reason. And it’s this “what if” mentality that makes fear one of the primary reasons that we don’t reevaluate our lives or allow ourselves to take steps to change our present circumstances.

But what if we could change that “what if” mindset? Where to begin?

The truth is you can’t eliminate fear, nor should you try. But you can still be fearless. Keep in mind that being fearless is not the same as eliminating fear. Being fearless means knowing how to leverage fear. And the first step to leveraging fear is to identify what scares you.

The king of fear-mongering, Stephen King, stated, “If a fear cannot be articulated, it can’t be conquered.” Seems like a reasonable first step.

If I asked you to name your fears, what would be on your list of “usual suspects” that might be causing you to take no action for no (seemingly) good reason? What fears keep you up at night? What fears are holding you back from achieving your goals?

My list (embarrassingly articulated in full disclosure here) includes: field mice (the first time I saw one in the house, I was ready to sell the house just to avoid having to face the wee buggers); frogs and toads (no reason, just yuck); making phone calls even to friends (a little less scary now but still not entirely conquered); and, of course, the phantom toilet flush when you think you’re alone in the house (although a heaping helping of YouTube videos helped me conquer that one. Mostly).

But the most paralyzing fear I face on a daily basis is what is referred to as “scarcity consciousness” – the idea that you will never feel safe if you believe you lack the essentials.

This way of thinking is rooted in fear — fear of not having enough, not being enough, or losing what one has. Scarcity consciousness can limit personal growth, hinder relationships, and create stress and anxiety. People with a scarcity mindset often focus on what they don’t have, rather than recognizing what they do have.

Yup, that about sums me up.

“Fear itself isn’t the problem. It’s the way you deal with it—or don’t deal with it—that is the problem. You might not even be aware how often actions and decisions are based solely on fear.” Judy Carter

Looking at your list of fears, how have they manifested in your life? What actions and decisions have you taken that have been based solely on your fears? Do you find yourself saying, “BECAUSE of fear, I WON’T do this?”

I know the answer to that question. I’ve spent most of my life not doing something because of my fears. I’ve stayed in jobs that I didn’t enjoy out of fear of not having a Sure Thing income. I left graduate school out of fear of not being smart enough. I avoid taking classes or trying new things out of fear of not being talented enough. I’m constantly anxious about not being able to keep a roof over my head or food on the table (even though the math says that, at least for now, I have nothing to fear).

So if how we deal with fear, not the fear itself, is the problem, what actions and decisions might we take? Could we learn to say, “If NOT for fear, I WOULD do this.”

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” Henry Ford

Interested in learning how you too can make this great discovery and find success in facing down your fears, leveraging them, and experiencing true fearlessness? Then watch my video, “Three Simple Steps to Conquering Your Fears,” on my YouTube channel. In this video, you will learn how to move from what you won’t do because of fear to what you could do despite your fear.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

Here’s to finding courage!

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No Way Out?

“No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it.” Richard Bach

Have you heard of the story titled, “The Horse Might Sing”? There are many different versions, but my favorite goes like this:

Nasrudin was caught in the act of stealing and sentenced to die. Hauled up before the king, he was asked by the king, “Is there any reason why I shouldn’t take your head off right now?” To which Nasrudin replied, “I am the greatest teacher in your kingdom, and it would surely be a waste to kill such a great teacher. So skilled am I that I could even teach your favorite horse to sing, given a year to work on it.” The king was amused, and said, “Very well then, you move into the stable immediately, and if the horse isn’t singing a year from now, we’ll think of something interesting to do with you.”

As Nasrudin was moving into the stable, his friend chastised him by saying, “Now that was really foolish. You know you can’t teach that horse to sing, no matter how long you try.”

Nasrudin smiled and said, “I don’t know that at all. I have a year now that I didn’t have before. And a lot of things can happen in a year. The king might die. I might die. The horse might die. And, who knows? The horse might sing.”

I love this story. It’s a message about hope, a reminder that anything is possible and that there are always options – including the “not in a million years “option of the horse singing!

“You always have a choice.” Nicholas Lore

Ask yourself this: When was the last time you found yourself at a crossroads or had to make a major, possibly life-changing decision – and you ended up doing something based on what you thought you COULDN’T do, not on what you MIGHT do? Did you make the decision or take an action based on limiting thoughts and beliefs? What was the outcome, and how did it feel?

Now, ask yourself this: How would it feel if you took an action based on the idea that anything COULD be possible? If you didn’t worry about the outcome, what would you let yourself consider? What options might you have? What choices or decisions could you make?

The decisions we make and the actions we take throughout our lives are usually based on our thoughts and beliefs about our present circumstances as well as our past experiences. You did this, and this happened. You didn’t do that, and that happened. Over time, this becomes the unexamined and unconscious criteria we use to make future decisions.

When we come to a crossroads, seeing all of the possible roads we can take and all of the options that are available to us can certainly be overwhelming and scary. But it can also be a golden opportunity to make some fundamental changes in our lives. It can mark a turning point in how we live our lives.

“All their lives they did what had to be done, and didn’t bother daydreaming about alternative lives because they never expected to be free enough to have a choice.” Barbara Sher

Each of us should be free enough to have a choice. But where to begin?

By giving ourselves permission to harness the power of possibilities!

To my mind, giving ourselves permission is essential in daydreaming about those alternative lives. Permission to stay or go. Permission to say Yes to a new path and a different direction. Permission to say Yes to ourselves. Permission even to say No when it’s the best course of action. Permission to believe that the horse might talk.

For most of us, giving ourselves permission can be challenging. Part generational, part upbringing, part cultural, there are many reasons why we rarely, if ever, consider what we might really want to do or are even willing to try to do. We simply do what we believe we have to do.

But it’s essential that we give ourselves permission to challenge our “I couldn’t do that in a million years” approach to living.

When you give yourself permission to think about what you want, why you want it, and what you’re willing to do or even try to do, you free yourself to at least consider alternatives. Ideas that might not have occurred to you in the past now might start to materialize.

And giving yourself permission to consider all of your options is the key to getting from where you are to where you COULD be. Ideas that might not have occurred to you in a million years now might reveal themselves.

“Nearly impossible and impossible are not the same thing.” Kristen Hannah

Interested in learning how you can harness the power of possibilities? Then watch my video, “Three Simple Steps to Conquering the No Way Out Syndrome,” on my YouTube channel.

In this video, you’ll explore how you can give yourself permission to look at alternatives; recognize that there are always options; and release any limiting thoughts that are holding you back from what you want to have, be, do, or change in your life.

“In order to avoid this bitter end, we have to be reborn again, and born with the knowledge of alternatives.” Maya Angelou

Here’s to being reborn!

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Believing Is Seeing

“Some things have to be believed to be seen.” Madeleine L’Engle

We walk through our world doubting and believing. We often do this without reflection, and often develop strongly held views, some based upon unexamined assumptions and biases that no longer serve us or align with our values. Our beliefs (and doubts) create our sense of reality; how we think, act, and feel is based upon both.

Beliefs are basically the guiding principles that provide direction and meaning in life. We use our beliefs to understand and navigate our world. For all these reasons, we tend to preserve our beliefs after they’re formed and guard them carefully.

But what do we mean when we talk about belief?

A belief is something we consider to be a fact. Belief is the attitude that something is the case or “true.” Belief does not require active introspection and circumspection. For example, we don’t wonder whether the sun will rise. We just assume with confidence and without question that it will.

Our beliefs also dictate what we consider to be possible or achievable. Philosophers use the term “belief” to refer to personal attitudes associated with true or false ideas and concepts. As such, beliefs can be empowering or limiting:

Empowering beliefs allow us to act resiliently, believe in ourselves, and invoke positive thoughts and emotions.
Limiting beliefs prevent us from fulfilling our true potential, hold us back, and give rise to negative thoughts and emotions.

And yet, whether empowering or limiting, beliefs are in fact simply self-created filters that originate from what we hear and keep on hearing from others. The sources of beliefs include environment, events, knowledge, past experiences, and visualization, just to name a few. In addition, culture, habit, upbringing, religious or superstitious practices, history, and accustomed pessimism are all powerful factors that underlie and inform our belief systems.

“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Most people are not aware of their own beliefs because they’ve never taken the time to analyze them carefully. Our beliefs tend to function as our subconscious autopilot. Once formed, these beliefs become ingrained in us. We take them for granted, and we also assume our beliefs to be factual, whether they actually are true or not. When we have deeply rooted beliefs that we cling to subconsciously, our minds will constantly look for proof to validate and bolster them.

The Greek philosopher Epictetus made one of the most powerful observations of how our beliefs influence our reality when he wrote, “People are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them.”

The problem with not being willing to change our beliefs is that it can limit our ability to experience life as it unfolds. To change the experience, you must willing to change those beliefs that created the narrative and direction of your life so far. And your life will take on new meaning when you feel you’re pointed in the right direction.

Belief is a choice. Willingness is the key.

“False beliefs about your limitations will hold you back from gaining freedom.” Ernie Zelinksi

Interested in learning how you can reprogram your subconscious autopilot? Watch my video, “Releasing Limiting Beliefs: Two Simple Steps to Gaining Freedom,” on my YouTube channel.

You’ll look at how belief impacts your perception of the world around you as well as how you navigate your daily life as a result of that perception. More importantly, you’ll look at what benefits might come to you if you are willing to let go of any limiting beliefs in order to carve out for yourself a more informed, connected, and comforting path through the wilderness that is your time here on Earth.

“One’s destination is never a place, but rather a new way of seeing things.” Henry Miller

Here’s to seeing things with new eyes along the way!

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(True) North Star

“Just as a compass always points to true north, your heart will recognize true principles.” Sean Covey

The phrase “discover your true north” was coined by Bill George in his bestselling book by the same name. George explained that discovering your true north is about following your internal compass: just as a compass points at a fixed point on the globe, your personal true north helps you stay on track to become the best person you can be throughout your reinvention journey.

When you find your true north, you begin to understand what really makes you tick and what you value as a person – because your values matter. They are your North Star. And your life will take on new meaning when you feel you’re pointed in the right direction and can align your behavior with what you value the most.

“You are not stuck. You’re just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason you can’t move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result.” Emily Maroutian

Do you ever wonder why you experience the same situation or types of people in your life over and over, often with the same negative results or unwanted outcomes? Perhaps it’s because you repeat the same behaviors during each encounter. To change the experience, you must change those habits and behaviors that created the narrative and direction of your life so far.

Your behaviors – how you think, react, respond, etc. – all have patterns, and sometimes those patterns can help you to grow if you are in search of a new direction in your life. Patterns can tell you to try something new, fix something, or remove something from your life. Identifying the repeated patterns in your life will help you determine your current position; see what lies ahead; and change your course and direction to achieve a new outcome or arrive at a new destination.

But where to begin? By completing what I call a “Life Navigation Chart.”

The Life Navigation Chart is a visual encapsulation of how you interact and engage with the world and with others; your responses and behaviors integral to these engagements; and, most importantly, the results and outcomes of those behaviors. As you create your chart, you focus on the experiences of any significance that have the potential to teach you about yourself and your deeply held views. Ultimately, the goal is to identify repeated patterns of behavior in order to make a conscious effort to change the way you interact with others and the world around you.

Most importantly, you’ll feel empowered, not victimized; become free of your bonds to painful experiences, situations, relationships, or events; and your future will no longer be charted by your past.

“True North of Your Soul” indeed!

The Life Navigation Chart has three components:

A “Purpose Statement,” in which you define your goals and objectives for completing the chart as well as your desired outcomes.
A list of the significant experiences you’ve had in the past in which you exhibited behaviors that resulted in outcomes that did not align with your values.
A “course correction” in which you identify any repeated patterns of behaviors in your significant experiences and then determine what you can do differently in order to change the behavior and its outcome.

“The way to find your own North Star is not to think or feel your way forward but to dissolve the thoughts and feelings that make you miserable. You don’t have to learn your destiny – you already know it; you just have to unlearn the thoughts that blind you to what you know. Martha Beck

Interested in learning how you too can unlearn the thoughts that blind you to what you know on your personal reinvention journey? Watch my video, “Creating a Life Navigation Chart: Three Simple Steps to Finding Your Soul’s True North,” on my YouTube channel.

The focus is on searching for your repeated patterns of behavior and the results of those behaviors. You’ll learn to clarify what you want to improve; determine why you want to improve it; outline what your new outcome will be; and make any “navigational course corrections” in order to reach your reinvention destination.

“Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard

Here’s to your brand new ending!

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Ride Share

“You can do anything but not everything.” David Allen

Each of us, at one time or another, has been in what I call “passenger mode.” Passenger mode occurs whenever we allow someone else to do something for us that we pay silent witness to. This means we are aware of something that someone else is doing but that’s about it. It can be anything, from unclogging a toilet, changing a tire, doing minor repairs around the house, driving the kids to school or the dogs to doggy daycare.

I compare being in passenger mode in our daily lives to being in the car on a roadtrip. If you’re the driver, you’re paying attention to everything – the road conditions, the traffic, the landscape you’re passing through, the signposts that let you know you’re going in the right direction. (You are, of course, NOT looking at your phone – correct? Because you are far too smart to do anything so stupid!)

Now, picture yourself in the passenger seat. How much attention are you paying to everything around you, where you’re going, and whether you’re on the right road? (As the passenger, you may even be paying attention to your phone and NOT much else.)

When I was married, my husband and I made the 90-minute drive to visit my in-laws about every three or four months. He always did the driving; I never drove. Then one day I had to drive to my in-laws by myself – and I realized I wasn’t 100 percent sure how to get there. So I asked my hubby, who incredulously replied, “You’ve been there dozens of times – what do you mean you don’t remember how to get there?”

I said (this is true, I swear it), “Because I’ve been in passenger mode.”

“I don’t know how everything I use works—so it’s lucky that I don’t need to.” Ashleigh Brilliant

There is nothing inherently good or bad about being in passenger mode. We do not need nor must we want to know how to do everything that comprises our daily lives.

But then, one day, that one thing that we haven’t had to do and never thought we’d ever need or want to know how to do, suddenly appears, and now we find ourselves having to do it or we need to find someone who can do it for us, often in a hurry.

But you can’t know what those things are until you take inventory of everything in your life that someone else does for you, but that someday you might need or want to know how to do yourself.

Discipline yourself to do the things you need to do when you need to do them, and the day will come when you will be able to do the things you want to do when you want to do them! Zig Ziglar

The key to getting back in the driver’s seat of your own life is to identify what you do know, what you don’t know and what you’re going to do about it BEFORE YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT AND DO IT! Identifying who will take care of the activities you’ll never do, or who will teach you how to do something before the thing needs to be done is very important and very liberating!

In the best of times, it can be hard to learn a new skill. But try to learn something new when you’re in the middle of an emotional upheaval, like a divorce, or following the loss of a job or the death of a loved one, or a major change, like a pandemic or just moving to a new town. Even something seemingly “minor,” like having to dig your driveway out after an unexpected snowstorm but your snow-thrower has a flat tire and you have no idea who can come out and dig you out (yes, this is a true story from my own life) can seem overwhelming.

So, the very best time to work on overcoming passenger mode is while your life is good and you’re in a frame of mind that allows you to figure out what you going to need or want to do.

Overcoming passenger mode is very simple – and incredibly empowering!

You identify everything that someone else does for you.
You decide which of those things you need to learn, want to learn, or never need or want to learn.
You develop an action plan for everything on your list.

The key is remembering that you don’t need to know how to do everything. In fact, some things are better left to professionals. For example, I know I can’t do anything that involves electricity around the house. If I do, I’ll either blow myself up or set the house on fire.

“Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.” Anne Wilson Schaef

Want to discover just how advanced your level of honesty and intelligence are in terms of the needs and wants of your passenger mode life? Watch my video, “Three Simple Steps for Overcoming “Passenger Mode,” on my YouTube channel.

You’ll learn some simple tips and tricks to identifying everything that others do for you (this is usually more eye-opening than most people think).
Next, you’ll figure out what you’re able to do, willing to do, and what you know that you’ll never need or want to do.
Then you’ll develop an action plan for addressing everything on your “I need or want to do” list – because taking action is at the heart of overcoming passenger mode. It allows you to put yourself in the driver’s seat and be in control often during times when your life feels completely out of control.

“Ask for help not because you’re weak, but because you want to remain strong.” Les Brown

Here’s to remaining strong (and driving smart)!

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Fear Not

No Way Out?

Believing Is Seeing

(True) North Star

Ride Share

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